WHY DOES CHEATING OCCUR BETWEEN COUPLES? WHAT ARE THE WAYS TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP?
Hello Dear Friends,
First of all, I sincerely congratulate you on the New Year, and I wish you a healthy, happy, peaceful, fruitful, productive, full of beauties and a year where everything is as your heart desires.
I felt the need to dedicate today's article to the subject of "Deception (Infidelity)", which is one of the bleeding wounds of society.
Cheating (Infidelity) is emotional or sexual relations with other people without the consent of the spouse.
To begin with, we consider it appropriate to explain the word empathy, which we call one of the sine qua non for healthy marriages, with the act of cheating, as follows; “No one should do to his wife what he does not want his wife to do to him”. Cheating is one of them.
Contrary to what most people know, the “Cheating problem” is not an issue that can be solved with the help and guidance of spouses, friends, relatives and friends. Because in such situations, everyone goes to support and support the side that they feel close to, most of the time, the guidance does not touch the Qur'an, they swear, it will definitely not happen again, in fact, we just drank tea, there was nothing between us, we didn't experience anything, we just talked, just don't make promises like that. it tends to cover up the problem. Therefore, if such vital problems cannot be resolved between the spouses, it would be the best step to go to the solution by applying the professional support of experts, not with the help of the close circle.
Infidelity is a psychological violence that inflicts heavy destruction on the greatest disrespect, trust and honesty by the person who is cheating on the spouse. In addition, it is a dynamite placed on the basis of family life and dynamics. In this case, the person who is cheating on his spouse or considering cheating should first ask himself; "What would I do if my wife cheated on me?"
Cheating is a behavior that is related to the character of the person, the environment of his upbringing, basic value judgments, social dynamics and lifestyle.
Being cheated on is a disaster for the deceived party (except in privileged situations – mental disability, etc.), as well as an emotional shock in terms of trust and love. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a very difficult process for the deceived and it is a very troublesome process that needs to be worked on.
At the same time, infidelity is an unacceptable way of life that harms the psychology of the spouse and family members, shows that the marriage is problematic, is carried out physically or emotionally and we call forbidden relationship. Moreover, it is a very important relationship issue. The deceived party and the children, if any, suffer the greatest harm from deception. As I mentioned in my previous article titled "Domestic Violence Prevention and Anger Management", the child learns everything in the family and most likely continues the same lifestyle in adulthood, except in privileged situations. Children do what you do rather than what you say, they take role models and continue.
Infidelity takes a heavy toll on respect, trust in the name of honesty, and love between couples, and jeopardizes the continuation of the relationship. It is very difficult for someone who is mentally and mentally healthy and without psychological problems to find a valid reason for cheating, because it is gangrene of marriage and it can never(can) be a valid excuse. If, for whatever reason(s), the person thinks that he or she has come to the point of cheating on his spouse and that he has the right to do so, instead of committing this behavior while he is married, he leaves his wife to live the life he wants and adopts "in his own freedom" without ignoring social value judgments. You can keep your style.
Infidelity does not solve any problems in marriage, and on the contrary, it makes the solution more difficult. In this sense, many items can be listed as the cause of deception, but it is necessary to look not only at the individual, but also at the cultural and life cycle of the society. No matter where in the world it is, even if the belief system, lifestyle and cultural structure are different, the feelings and results about cheating are almost the same. Whether the relationship will be terminated or continued as a result of cheating, professional help should be sought from a relationship therapist.
At the beginning of the effective reasons for cheating; The character structure of the deceiver, childhood stage, adolescence history (which is the truth behind the phrase "late adolescence", which we call "late adolescence"), the useless and unnecessary use of the internet and social media, the characteristic structure of the circle of friends and lifestyle (more on that later). It is very important how much it is affected or not (because people with strong personalities are not affected by those around them, they keep their distance well - for example, the work environment, etc.), in recent years, in the name of exploitation and depersonalization of social feelings, deterioration of family structure and loss of social unity and respect, it has been on television channels one after the other. There are distorted relationships that do not stop and unfortunately break viewership records despite all our warnings. TV shows, wannabes, unmet expectations, addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, games, computers, …), etc. Many different reasons can be listed.
The lack of love and attention (neglect) or the lack of seriousness of the spouses towards each other, the feeling of worthlessness, disrespect, constant criticism, physical and psychological violence, judgment, sexual reluctance or inadequacy, and perhaps disregard (or just a "I want to have sexual intercourse when I want"), constantly accusing with the language of "You" and using the language of "I" to be selfish and self-centered, humiliate, compare the spouse with others, try to change, belittle and ignore, creates a coldness and distance between them. . In this period, one of the parties may choose the way of cheating because of his character and wishes or expectations. But it should not be forgotten that; responding to these needs is not an approach that only one party must fulfill. On the one hand, trying to face the difficulties of life together, on the other hand, devaluing emotional and physical approaches and expressions is a behavior that should never be exhibited.
In essence, we can say that "the mutual wishes and expectations of women and men, their characters and social environment should overlap positively". In fact, it is possible to determine this with a spousal compatibility analysis that will be carried out by a specialist family-marriage-couple therapist regularly before or during the marriage. If this analysis is done before and during marriage, future problems and traumas will be prevented. It is also beneficial for marital health in terms of meeting the understanding criteria of spouses towards each other on common points. Because most of the time, people marry with different aims, goals and feelings, do not know their spouses fully or they cover up most of the problems. This is one of the reasons that lead to cheating.
If there are problems in the relationship and couples are silent towards each other instead of taking the right step by establishing healthy communication in order to find a solution to this problem(s), in other words, if there is a lack of communication or if they are fighting each other, as a result, the bonds of love weaken and then tend to break. As such, this union enters the process of separation and turns into a relationship of only putting up with each other until the separation. The duration of this suffering, if there are children, depends on them and unfortunately children are the most victimized party in this period. Briefly; It cannot be said that the relationship in which cheating (il) is experienced is healthy.
The result of a study conducted in Turkey is as follows; 58% of men and 40% of women have cheated on their spouses at least once. When we look at these rates, we can say that there is disrespect, worthlessness, insecurity, unhappiness, restlessness, helpless acceptance, silence and problems in many families.
The cheating spouse should sincerely apologize to his spouse, ask for forgiveness, promise not to do it again, and never make the same mistake again. Also, she must do whatever it takes to regain the trust she lost. Couples need to start a new life with professional help.
If the deceived party has chosen the path of forgiveness, he should observe his wife to see if he can trust her that he will not make such a mistake again, should not constantly bring up the issue, and leave everything to time. If he cannot get rid of his doubts, if he is stuck because he cannot overcome the problem, he should consult a specialist psychologist as soon as possible. Because, as time goes on, there is a danger of psychological problems with thoughts that gnaw at the brain and the anxiety that cheating will be repeated. Moreover, the emotional quality of life decreases, and as time passes, this problem becomes inextricable.
Respect, love, trust, stay healthy and happy, goodbye dear friends.
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